Tuesday, July 20, 2010

in which it doesn't get any easier.

I realise that I've yet to tell you of my adventures in England (and Wales for a day). I mean to, certainly. I have so much to tell and so many pictures to show you- but it's still hard. To write about the most joyous period in my life since I don't know when, even just to go through the photos, all the while knowing that outside my window it's the wrong country- it's heartbreaking.

I miss England with a savage pain. It makes me cry just writing this entry. I wrote great lengths of rambling that didn't make much sense, but then I deleted it again. I don't know how to say what I feel, which is weird for me because I'm often quite capable of spewing out great monologues on what's going on in my mind. It's overly dramatic to say 'an emptiness' but there is a sense of hollow purpose. I don't feel a long term connection to anything, because there's something inside me that thinks 'not too long now and you'll be back in England.'

Interestingly enough there's another desire pecking away at my mind- I want to get married. I want to have a house and children and a husband, in the countryside somewhere. To bake cakes and make art and generally potter around being domestic. To have a gallery and a shop and sell my art, his art, and vintage craft supplies. Oddly I mostly see this happening in Australia; the visions for it are very Australian in appearance. But I can't see how that fits with my constant yearning for England. How can I have a vision for one life while another one pulls at me so? I'm the chariot- my horses going left and right and I haven't a hold of the reigns at all.

There are nights like tonight I sit here and think I'll never be happy till I am back there. But it's hard to go half way around the world and leave the people you love behind you. They're all big enough to look after themselves, they don't need me around. At least that's what I tell myself, but I think they disagree.

Perhaps I'm just desperate for happiness. I know that sounds so melodramatic and of course I'm not really unhappy here in my life right now. Things are good, I have wonderful friends and few worries, and my living circumstances are quite easy and no shortage of projects to keep me company. But the simple, un-laboured happiness and contentedness I felt in England is something I haven't had in my soul for a really long time. The constant displeasure with my artwork, the moving houses every 6 months, no successful romance to speak of and the lack of any true direction- that's been my lot of late, and I'm thoroughly sick of it.


oldgreymare said... Best Blogger Tips

If I might..
a wee bit of advice...
from a stranger...
from someone who has lived in the wrong house...
in the wrong city...
for all the wrong reasons..
for far too many years...
listen to your heart..
it has been whispering..
now, it is shouting....
leading you....
follow your heart..

not that you can't make do, make a life...
BUT- the never ending but, I want.....
or regrettably, like me, it will be nearly too late...

"Paid a high price for living too long with a single dream." Gatsby

Honorablyfallen said... Best Blogger Tips

I'm normally not one to comment, but... here's a little unsolicited advice always listen to that aching feeling and never base a decision on how others might feel about it ..and your next post should be from England. ~Sarahlynn

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Today is not a dress rehearsal, don't turn around when you're 45 and say 'I wish I had.....'. Live your life and make yourself happy, no-one else can make big decisions for you. You have to feel the fear to be courageous. Good luck.

Septembre said... Best Blogger Tips

oh...i have similar feelings,i just came back from one year living in Europe and i feel so empty since i'm back in Australia....paradoxal feelings as over there i had only one wish: it was to be back HOME...i still believe that my future is in Australia, i have one big dream who is also to open my own shop...and i know that over there it would be 10X more difficult then here.....so maybe one day...

fanciful devices said... Best Blogger Tips

It's true, what the above comments said. I know, however, it's super hard to make such drastic change. that's why people wait until their situation is unbearable, wait to reach rock bottom before going for it. maybe you'll meet your future hubs in England, and after a few years, move w/him back to Australia. And that's what your dream is about.

Romeo said... Best Blogger Tips

Follow your heart. Find what it is way down deep that you really feel and follow it. I have found time and again, that when I listen to my heart all other things fall into place. Deny it and it's like going down a one-way street in the wrong direction. Follow your heart and let your life be what it wants so much to be.

"Her" and Romeo

Angela (Posy Moe) said... Best Blogger Tips

Ditto what everyone else has said. Life it too short. Far. Too. Short.

Jo Archer said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh Penny, don't be sad. Just content yourself with preparing for your move, even if it takes longer than you think.
It's better to do something that big before you have the husband and children, because after that your chances are very limited.

Focus on your dream, work hard and do it.

LethaColleen said... Best Blogger Tips

I too am in the midst of this very struggle, although for me its a realization that my career --- interior deign/architecture (the thing I went to school for for 5 years and have been practicing for another 5) is not the right career for me.

After a lot of thought and work (on my own and with help) I now know that I will be heading back to school and pursuing another path entirely (psychology) and now that I know this I am so very, very impatient to GET TO IT ALREADY. I've never been one to sit still once I know what I need to do. But there are so many things that have to be done first, figuring out what graduate program I want to be a part of, preparing for and taking the GRE's, applying and hopefully being received, finding the money, making the sacrifices...

The last few weeks at the end of this months long process of coming to this decision and then living with what it all will mean for me have been a slow internal learning process where in I've come to accept that this new direction in my life will not be an instantaneous one. That I should wring as much joy and satisfaction out of the current incarnation of my life as I can because I am about to change it in a big way that means my life will look very different in the not to distant future! Also I've been reminding myself that every large endeavor is, by it's very nature, broken down into pieces/steps/tasks. This is a comfort and a relief really --- I can get to work steadily tackling each step/task one at a time and before I know it...the new life will be beginning.

Anyway, I can only say to YOU that I empathize and think maybe I know a tiny bit of what you are feeling and...I wish you huge luck in journey towards redirecting of your live!!

Opulent Oddities said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh honey, I'm just so glad I'm not feeling these things alone. I constantly am displeased with the "art" I am producing. No gentlemen fellows to entertain my need for a hubs/family/settled down situation. I don't know if I might have to move or not, depending what my family does.

You have to meditate on whats really important to you, key values, create goals around those values and constantly work towards those goals.

Essentially you just have to decide, whats most important in your life, which is a very difficult thing to decide. I wish you the best with it.


Lucy Harvey said... Best Blogger Tips

There's no rush for these things and they are big tasks but a series of smaller decisions can help you on your way without it being a huge upheaval. I've every faith you can get back on the happy horse.

But you should know that I have contrary feelings about the above sentiment when I see the miniature spoon and comb fragment in that picture Penny!! xx